“How rare and beautiful it is to even exist”…

Dear Horizon, 

I can’t believe you’ve been here for 3 weeks already. When I think back to your birthday just 21 days ago, I realize that the world I thought we were welcoming you into does not exist anymore, and it will probably never exist in the same way again.

I waited so long for you, that it almost felt like my whole life had been lived before you showed up. When I told the story about getting pregnant (the miracle that is you), I always shared how wild and unreal it was to be making the transition to motherhood after having 46 years of my identity built around being a woman without children (in a culture that still doesn’t fully welcome you or make it easy to integrate when you don’t have children).

As a result, I spent a lot of time while you grew inside me contemplating the changes I anticipated going through when you arrived—adjusting from my lifestyle of entrepreneurial travel and freedom, giving up sleep, experiencing my heart living outside my body, you name it... I considered what it would be like to make so many significant adjustments after so many years without children of my own. I was beyond excited and aware of how profoundly different life would soon become.

But as soon as you arrived, the personal changes I anticipated making paled in comparison to watching the entire planet being thrust into a different world with no warning..a world where all of our identities and our way of life is being reshaped by an invisible force called Coronavirus 19. In your first few days at home, our world became unrecognizable. Never in our lifetimes have we seen anything comparable....Schools closing, parents becoming full time teachers overnight, gatherings of humans being banned in steadily increasing numbers around the world, countries closing their borders around the world, quarantines being imposed, restaurants, theaters and malls closing... markets crashing, seemingly endless numbers of jobs being lost within a few short days...and our front line of medical providers being unequipped to protect themselves with the basic equipment they need to face this onslaught. Every day of the last two weeks has brought with it new levels of awareness of the impact this invisible force has had and will likely continue to have on all of us.

Our phones and our social media platforms have quickly become our primary source of connection at this point as we cannot come within six feet of other humans. Our minds, hearts, and spirits are seeking to make sense of what seems unreal, impossible, like a dystopian nightmare we can’t seem to wake up from. So we smartly cling to slivers of good news- like dolphins returning to the canals in Venice, the skies being blue over parts of China that haven’t seen clear air in decades, and the abandonment of policies and practices that crushed those who aren’t in a position of power and privilege in our society for far too long. And to be honest, things had gotten so bad here in so many ways, it’s hard not to subscribe to the idea floating in our social media feeds that “nature is hitting a major reset button right now” that will leave us forever altered- for better AnD for worse.

In my opinion, that word AND is perhaps the most critical part of our ability to navigate this new world that’s unfolding - I just read a post on Instagram that said in part, “developing an awareness that good and bad coexists in this world is the essence of mental health” (Dr. Meghan Johnson). I couldn’t agree more. It reminds me of the story of Siddhartha listening deeply to the river —-“At first Siddhartha hears only the voices of sorrow, but these voices are soon joined by voices of joy, and at last all the voices are subsumed under the great sound of "Om." Realizing the unity of these voices, Siddhartha's pain fades away.”

I don’t think our pain over this pandemic will “Go away”, but I do believe that we can lessen the amount of suffering we experience. In our short-sighted haste to welcome “good vibes only” we have lost the ability to see the UNIty in “good” and “bad”, the coexistence of joy and sorrow...we have been so resistant to acknowledging and allowing the shadow, that we are now in danger of being engulfed by it.

The labor and delivery that lead to your birth was the most profound experience I have ever had of the coexistence of the shadow and the light, of flowing between the depths of pain and the peaks of joy - and ironically I survived it by flowing between silent prayers and loud oms that often sounded more like deep, guttural cries than anything holy.

There are many deeply meaningful reasons you were given the unusual combination of names you have. But your middle name, Horizon, has taken on a new depth of meaning in these circumstances. We chose it in part because we love the symbolism of the horizon as the meeting place of heaven and earth, and the intersection point of any two seemingly opposite forces that together create a beautiful reality, and the sense of adventure and hope in exploring life- new horizons are full of possibilities.

You showed up in our arms just as we and the entire world are being confronted with a force that will demand more of us than we can imagine from our current vantage point- we sit at the intersection of our past and our future, of our earthly realities and our limitless aspirations... of allowing our joy and our sorrow, our shadows and our light...Your first name means teacher among other things- and now every time I look at you, hear you, feel you I am drawn to the center of my heart and the reality of what it means to stay anchored to what matters most in life.... andI believe these will be the first lessons you teach us. In fact, you have already started, because mylove for you is calling me to spend this unprecedented season sorting out what truly matters most while the everyday existence we’ve clung to rapidly falls away.

The sound of your gentle breath calls me to sift through the vast collection of values, beliefs, hopes, desires, expectations and dreams I’ve held about life- both ours and yours and separate the wheat from the chaff, the priorities from the preferences, the matters of love and human spirit from the concerns and fears of the ego. This will not be an easy path, but it will be worth it.For now, in this moment I am left with these lyrics from the song “Saturn” by Sleeping at Last...“How rare and beautiful it is to even exist”.

I love you so much...

Your mom