“I Knew”

Throughout most of my relationships I was drawn to larger then life men with such extroverted characteristics that even the most distant acquaintances could write a decent profile or maybe even a psychographic. A dear friend, an accomplished artist in her own right was once blunt enough to tell me that she was tired of watching me ascend the heights of relational bliss with these guys only to plummet into the abyss and start over again. In her view they were all artists of one kind or the other and were only ever going to “come up for air” long enough to get me hooked on the togetherness before they went back into the depths of themselves. She ended the conversation with “Your life and relationships will transform when you realize YOU are the artist”.

She was generally a person of few words and they were rarely so direct as these, so they stuck with me. Around the same time my executive coach, who was the most task oriented person I know and never delved into off topic content like my relationships, invited me to a personal growth workshop focused on just that topic- it was literally called Understanding Men. A pattern was emerging: women I thought were on the sidelines of my life had stepped forward and into the path of potentially torrential emotions to get my attention and focus where it needed to be. They saw a new horizon for me and did their part to get my eyes fixed on this new possibility.

This workshop I first resisted so mightily did transform my life. I remember sitting in the metal folding chairs during the workshop feeling my cell phone buzz with a message from another “ARTIST” and having the desire to do it differently from that moment on- and I did. I became the artist of my own life.

Little did I know I would soon fall in love with a man who had traversed the topographies of his own interior for so long and developed the skills personal growth requires that he easily entered the deepest chambers of my heart and began inviting me into areas I had never ventured or abandoned in times past when it hurt too much. This is a tribute to him on his 52nd Birthday.

I Knew

He was an introvert. Even the closest of acquaintances reported feeling that they did not know him at all.

And yet I instantaneously knew more of him than all the men who came before.

This is one of the deepest and most beautiful mysteries of my life, and I feel no compulsion to solve it for embracing it with no explanations or answers has been the gift of ten thousand lifetimes.

I knew his voice before I knew his name.

I knew his heart before I knew his face.

I knew his purpose before I knew his age.

I knew his laugh before I knew his pain.

I knew his vision before I knew his strength.

I knew his art would include loving me.

I knew his spirit before I knew his peace.

I knew his depth before his creativity.

I knew his future before I knew his past.

I knew his wisdom before I knew his earthly tasks.

I knew his freedom before I saw him fly.

I knew his promise before I knew his passion.

I knew his truth before I knew his conviction.

I knew his sun before I knew his rain.

I knew his works before I knew his faith.

I knew our bond before I knew the way.

And this man, the love of my life, who once upon a time traveled to new earthly horizons with me, now devotedly traverses my inner landscape and helps me learn these things about myself in ways I never knew before. He helps me renovate old structures and construct new ones along the way using raw materials I never noticed, or in some cases even discarded. But this man, this King, so at peace in his own Kingdom, enters the gates of my heart and all the parts of me stop, listen, and love at the mere sound of his voice. His presence alone causes them to release their grip on my ego, my past wounds, my future fears. These parts of me, who have fought for so long finally relax into this otherworldly place where unconditional love is the guard at the gates and the keeper of the streets.

Yes. He is an embodiment of a living God to me.

He rests my Soul.

He ignites my Spirit.

He heals my Body.

He leads me to new Horizons and guides my steps on the rocky ascent to new possibilities.

Michael….

Yay, though I walked through the valleys of the shadows of living a life unseen, unwitnessed, and un-loved for so long, I no longer fear- for you are with me, seeing, witnessing, and loving all the parts of me unconditionally. You travel effortlessly with me through the contours and landscapes of the outer world and the interior of my heart, expanding the depths of all the possibilities there- both those I’ve nurtured and those I’ve neglected. You protect me in the storms that blow through my consciousness and help me journey back from safe harbors, back into my own depths where pain, pleasure, and purpose are found. You have led me to the realization of every dream that ever danced across the theater of my mind’s eye and brought what was impossible into being time and again.

Surely I have been blessed with an earthly King and the inestimable gift of dwelling in the Kingdom of our conjoined hearts forever and ever.

Happy Birthday, my Love, my King, my everything…