Happy, Sad, Sad.
Horizon's language has been arriving slowly but surely. I have volumes of reflection and gratitude to write about this part of our journey together- but suffice to say for now that hearing new words from him is like finding an exquisite Pearl. We collect them, cherish them, display them, and are always on the lookout for more.
Along this journey of the first 18 plus months, I also struggled with the feeling that he wasn’t “happy” - yes that brings up more questions than answers about how we define it, but if we’re honest about it, there’s a reason the phrase “happy baby” is used so often to describe a new life. We all kind of know what that means- smiley, contented, engaging, playful, etc. and to be honest, I never really felt like I could say that he was a “happy baby. I could give you lots of positive descriptors for him at every stage and beautiful shared moments of life, but the absence of “happy baby” (until recently) really stung. I’ll just say it- I realize now that I didn’t just want a healthy baby, I wanted a happy baby. I didn’t really need the “contented” part but I wanted happy.
So imagine my delight when after a few months of extensive and intentional focus on on getting the right language and developmental supports in place and putting what we learned into action, one of the first words he began to use regularly was happy. It still has an adorable ring to it the way he splits the syllables. It kind of sounds like HAP- PAY. Hearing him use this word, this Pearl” of happy was like the holy grail to me- he was engaged, using a new word and describing something I really really wanted for him all at the same time - happiness all around!!!
But a couple of days after it’s emergence, something changed. He would spontaneously say it (as he had been when he in fact seemed “observably” happy using our collective understanding of what that looks like so we assumed he was attaching meaning) , but then he would very quickly say , “ sad, sad”… I thought it was a new fluke- and also, heyyyyy we had another “word-Pearl” to add to the necklace!!!But it persisted. Happy, sad, sad. One day I finally said H, why sad? And to my utter disbelief he said “daddy work” (and now add the first 2 word phrase to the strand of pearls- and answering a “why” question with a truly powerful / even reflective response?? 🤯 it’s hard to convey the power and awe of hearing an answer like this from a child who has been mostly non verbal.
But after the awe of that moment passed, I realized the deep truth of happy- sad- sad. (Especially when the sad is said rapidly and with emphasis) : He IS happy playing with mama and the cat, AND he IS simultaneously sad that daddy’s working. Just like I’m happy to be here with him, cherishing motherhood as a priceless gift, and simultaneously devastated about what’s happening in Ukraine, and so many other things happening here, and all over the world.
Later that week of the happy- sad, sad Pearl drop, we talked to my stepdaughter, Grace and when she asked how I was, I was honest and told her I was feeling happy and grateful about lots of things but feeling sad as well. She seemed confused at first and then immediately said, oh yea like how I feel really happy about what I did at school today, but really sad at the same time that I didn’t see you and daddy and Horizon.
Yes I said, happy- sad, sad and she laughed when she heard about her baby brother saying it so often. I don’t know why we think it’s one or the other, they are so very often intertwined, and it feels better to me to think that this is ok instead of trying to forget one of the feelings (usually the sad of course) and push through.
It’s so crucial to allow space for it all, the gratitude, the sadness. Wishing you all comfort, truth, and purpose in the Happy, Sad, Sad.